God is the Cure? Wish I had thought of that....

God is the cure. Really? I wish I would have thought of that one years and years ago before I "chose" this path... before this brokenness became a path of pursuit for me. It was never my pursuit; it did become my life.

I read someone post a status today about people being depressed or grieving during December, telling them that if they just poured that grief into their faith to maybe pray a little more or spend a little more time with God, then maybe their depression or grief wouldn't be that bad.

While a positive and endearing thought, I read, it is still bothering me today. It's going on weeks now since I read the initial post, and I am awake at 2:00 A.M. sharing the writing I put together weeks ago on what a twisted sense of thought.... let me break it down for you:

It's been a few hours now, and I'm still greatly bothered by this message and the fact that it was shared publicly. I'm not one to be "triggered" by things, but when it comes to my faith, acting as if it's the magic "cure" for my depression, or that my grief is unrealistic because I'm a Christian. It isn't just unrealistic for me; it's not unrealistic for any person who struggles with grief or depression this time of year but also is deeply rooted in their faith.

The 23rd Psalm IS the essence of the humanity involved with grief when God is by our side. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, for THOU ART WITH ME." It doesn't say, "I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and maybe if I pray a little harder and come to church more, and if I believe in God a little harder... maybe He'll be with me." He is ALWAYS with you. He DOES NOT forsake you. Even when your grief, depression, or anxiety feels unsurmountable, HE is with you, despite what any other human being says about your faith. This is your journey- not theirs.

It is through my losses and depression that my faith is larger than any ocean. It is my faith that gets me out of bed in the morning. It is my faith that allows me to scream, See You Again, by Carrie Underwood at the top of my lungs when I'm driving down the road wishing I could call my mom instead of driving to the cemetery to talk to her Stone. It is my faith that allows me to keep living without fear of the future. It is my faith that allows me to know that God's promises and love don't run out for me or anyone else struggling with depression or grief because God's promises and love simply don't run out.

So despite the time I already spend leaning into God, despite the times throughout the day I pray for His strength, His steadiness, His goodness, His love, and His blessings, I will pray and lean into Him much more for the person who wrote such a sad and disturbing post.

Grieving people are not broken. Depressed people are not broken. They are not less Christian than you or the next person.

We are not any less faithful than the person next to us, in fact, if you pause to talk to us, you'll discover that our faith knows no boundaries because it has been tested time and time again by the ways of the world. Our depression and our grief have nothing to do with our relationship with God, it has everything to do with being human. We are all imperfectly perfect; broken little mosaics made by Him.

So to the person who wrote that post targeting people like me: You're right, God is the cure. I'm surely so lucky to be loved by Him and be able to lean into Him through my not-so-pleasant seasons, and I pray that instead of trying to "pray" the unpleasant away... perhaps you'll find a way to walk alongside those actually living in it, just as He does.

10 Amazon Buys You Need

It's really easy to say that there are 10 things on Amazon that you HAVE to have. However, These are the 10 items I would buy over and over again without a doubt.

1. These sunglasses. I've managed to buy two pairs. I will buy more if I lose them. They look great on any head shape. They block out the sun incredibly well. If I drop them in the water; they don't cost an arm and a leg to replace. Buy Them. Don't think twice!

2. This MacBook Case! I have to give credit to my man. He got me the case for Christmas right after I bought my MacBook Pro. It has protected my laptop so much in nearly the past year. I've bought it since in two different patterns, just because I love it so much along with the incredible price.

3. This Popcorn Butter! Addicted to movie theater popcorn like me? Once upon a time,

I was spoiled enough that I lived above a movie theater. When I had a craving, I'd just walk downstairs and buy a bowl. When I moved, I wasn't so pleased with the store selection. This popcorn butter instantly elevates any homemade bowl of popcorn, taking you directly to the movie theater!

4. The softest, cuddliest blanket. I absolutely love this blanket, and it washes up so well. I cuddle up with it every night. I will say that the key is air drying the blanket after washing, also not using bleach! I hope you love it as much as I do. (Clearly, it puts me right to sleep!)

5. These Work Pants! These pants have a professional look and feel, come in multiple colors, and run true to size. I am wearing a size small in the Khaki color, but I also own colors blue, black, and burgundy. If they developed a green color, I'd buy those too! I love the way these

pants fit.

6. My Luggage Set! The 21-inch carry-on, 28-inch large checked bag, and 24-inch medium checked bag. It seems I get a compliment on my luggage set no matter where I'm headed. It is light, durable, and easy to clean. Absolutely obsessed and would invest in this set over and over again!

7. These Incredible Silk Pajamas. These PJs have the look and feel of an expensive pair of PJs without the price tag. I sized up to a medium for a comfortable and oversized fit, but they run true to size. I've had them for over a year now, and the quality is great.

8. This Incredibly Flattering Bodysuit! I wear this out and about so much for date night. It looks incredible on and truly fits like a glove. The black color is so slimming. I'm wearing a size small in the photo.

9. The Best Skinny Can Koozie. This metal koozie doesn't miss a boat day where cold drinks are to be had. I have had it for over a year now, and it looks nearly new still. I have three different colors, but pink is the OG. What color will you *add to cart*?

10. These Outdoor Lights! I have a small porch, so one light is perfect for me. However, this single porch light illuminates the space and has a sleek and modern look. Buy one or buy two, whatever you decide, know that it is easy to install and looks great.

If you purchase any of these items that I absolutely love, be sure to leave a comment below letting me know what you grabbed and whether you liked it or not. Just because these are a few of my favorite things does not mean they are yours. I love to hear what other people think. Thanks for reading! Xo, -Macy

Our First Mother's Day Without You

Before I start, I want to wish a Happy Mother’s day to the mom’s mourning their babe in heaven they never got to bring home. I want to wish a Happy Mother’s day to the moms who have experienced the loss of a child at any age from 1 year to 51 years, it does not matter. And I want to wish a Happy Mother’s day to all of the sweet mothers in heaven, including my own.

A few weeks ago I stood in the canned vegetable aisle at Kroger with a tear rolling down my face behind my mask silently remembering my mom. I was remembering her cooking and teaching me how to cook. I was wishing I could call or text her so I could ask her how many cans I should get to make the recipe I was making. I felt like my throat was closing, and I just wanted to teleport to my bed. I wanted to leave my full cart in the middle of Kroger, and I wanted to go home.

That is the thing about grief. It sneaks in the middle of the mundane, the regular, and the usual and rears its head to make it known it hasn’t forgotten you. Everyone has told me today would be hard, and it definitely is. But it is not as hard as the moments no one can warn you about. I knew today was going to have moments of pain, but it is the moments and instances that creep up on you without warning that seem to hurt the most. The throat closing, tears streaming, heart stabbing moments. Did you know canned green beans could cause such feelings? Me either.

My mom and I had a lot of personality differences. We had different moments, and during my younger twenties we weren’t the closest. I had worked at my mental health and repairing unhealthy habits to become the best version of myself the last few months of her life. I am thankful for every moment I had her here, but I wish I would have appreciated her more while she was here. Everyone always tells you that you will miss someone so much, and it is so true. But you will also replay every “simple” moment and every moment where you didn’t agree also. I try my hardest to remember the good moments, but I also wish I would have treasured them when they were taking place. But it isn’t the easiest to remember that on the hard days. When my mom was on the ventilator I would face-time her even though it was incredibly painful, I felt like I NEEDED to show up for her and talk to her. I knew in my heart that I needed to talk to her, even if she couldn’t respond. I don’t regret one moment of those calls.

I am always getting online trying to encourage people to meet their feelings where they are. Some weeks I can easily get online without much effort, cheering other people on. Other weeks I feel like it is really hard and honestly it has just been that way for the past few weeks. It has just felt like I’ve been stuck in glue trying to run. I come home from work, and I crawl into bed. I spend too much time on the couch. I feel like I don’t want to really go anywhere or do anything. I just feel kind of stuck in time, trying to still process things, trying to process things like one of the hardest days of my life.

One of the hardest days of my life was when the hospital called for us to “Say Goodbye”. I hate that saying. I knew in that moment Makenzie and I weren’t saying goodbye, but see you later. Talking about those moments are so private and indescribable, I really can’t explain it. Until it’s you, you don’t understand what it all means. When we were done spending time with her, Makenzie and I grabbed all of her belongings out of her hospital room to take with us, and we came back to my house to be around everyone we loved. We sat all of her belongings down in Walter and I’s living room, and I haven’t touched them since. I went through her purse at one point, but trying to unpack her overnight bag, the clean clothes she had planned to go home in, her makeup and tennis shoes, her medications, and brush….all items I can’t bear to move or touch.

Time is moving so fast. It has already somehow almost been six months. But when I’m cleaning my house, and I’m forced to stare at those things, and it feels like yesterday. It feels like its December, and my throat feels like it is closing. My heart feels like it is being stabbed, and I am instantly reminded of how she will never wear her robe or put on those shoes again. I guess this seems more like a rant than a blog post, but I just wanted any person struggling with missing their mom to know it never goes away. It never really escapes you. It is possible to feel all of the feelings. Meet your feelings where they are and never deny them. Whether it is in your living room or in the canned vegetable aisle at Kroger, meet your grief and embrace it when it sneaks up on you; it is a testament of your love for that person. So for now, my mom’s things will sit in my living room until I feel strong enough to put them away- whatever that might entail.

My disclaimer to anything I ever write about my mother is this: My mom and I were not the closest in my adult years. I remember my mom best when I was a child, from what I can remember. But we talked every day for the last 3 months of her life, and I am going to treasure those months as well as my entire childhood that I can remember fondly. But I do not want anyone pointing the finger at me as though I am painting a perfect relationship, because it was so far from. But I did love her, I do miss her, and I am grieving her.